The MRI did not have pretty results. I still can’t bring myself to write about them. As I feared, the rare nerve disease has unfortunately progressed further. My forearm has a bruise that is getting darker and larger over time. I am depressed beyond measure. Two weeks ago i became obsessive over gender politics and my own confusion caused a lot of chaos for me. I started questioning if I was a real woman, what is a woman, and do I feel like a woman, only to conclude that I haven’t known myself in a long time. I’m only a shadow of who I used to be, or so I think when I let myself fall prey to those dark protruding thoughts.
I no longer have someone to take me to Tyler to get physical therapy, and I knew this would eventually happen but I still had no way to prepare for this. I need to find a way to get my own vehicle, (I have already looked into buses, Lyft, Uber, etc and there really isn’t any of that convience here) but I don’t know how due to the fact I’m forced to work 20 hours (that is even proving to be too much) I am trying not to panic. I do the best I can at work. I do the best I can with my etsy shop. I will work out a plan with the insurance advisors. Eventually, I’ll have 5 open orders a week, and then 12 orders. I am still growing even in this hour.
People assume I can move back to Florida and live with family. I don’t have family that cares. I don’t want to live with any body, to be honest. I do want to be alone, I don’t want to be seen. Or chat. I don’t care about anything except what I can do with my hands while I still have time.
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I N S T A G R A M
the pretty poems 
I am so sorry to read this post. As you may know, I struggle with a similar situation, and have had the same feelings as you. I just wanted you to know that you are not totally alone.
Intoo have no family that cares, and I too cannot make my way to medical treatment.
I really feel for you.
Please feel free to email me if you want to.
I am so very sorry this has happened to you ❤️
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What I tell myself, indeed what I ‘believe’ in as much as I believe in anything – The only person you can truly rely on is yourself. I find that comforting, though I’ve been told it is wrong and depressing and negative, I still believe it to be one hundred percent accurate. It’s what gives me the navigation point or the foundation if you will, to deal with ‘stuff’ – and we all have ‘stuff’ to deal with. There is no such thing as unconditional love – care for others always has it’s boundaries. I’m sorry if that sounds bad, but it works for me. There’s a couple of other things I remind myself of – firstly, ‘while there is life there is hope’, secondly ‘I have survived every one of the hardest days of my life so far’. I try not to question how I feel, or be concerned about what others tell me – I look inward for strength. I’m not always wonderfully successful at any of that, but its my plan of attack and it’s got me this far … trust your gut.
I won’t claim I’ve lived in hell, but I’ve done plenty of short visits and day trips …
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❤
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