I miss the way things used to be. I want so much to feel normal. Deep breaths. Im picking the pieces up off the ground. Remember a few months ago my right arm went through a glass window? Every day I’m in pain. I sleep in pain. I work in pain. i finally accepted my diagnosis: CRPS.Ive anxiously awaited spring, for the sun to come out, for pastels, for blooms, still wishing for the pain to go away.
CRPS is a degenerative disease. Its extremely rare, I was lucky my doctor knew about CRPS because even a lot of doctors don’t know. No one can touch my hand, not even the wind, only the cold water soothes the never ending coldness, aches, and allodyia. I type in short bursts (left hand only) because my right hand turns purple, this pain in my wrist, fighting one of the most painful conditions known. It has the dark nickname “the suicide disease. ”
This is a neurological disorder. I’m losing my writing hand. Not to mention the depression. I need to get more tests done and find a caring neurologist and pain management specialist. We need to check for avascular necrosis; im afraid taking my inhalers every day (a steroid) has not done good inside my body. Basically my brain is malfunctioning. Its not pretty. Signals of pain course through my hand, up my forearm, sometimes in the same places in my left arm. Pathways of pain. It isnt just pain, CRPS destroys the nerves and muscle, and bone if left untreated.
It gets worse. The people closest to me don’t understand how much pain I’m in.
I’m holding on desperately to words.
I find free books angels leave for me.
Some suffer so much worse.
Ive had to hide money for treatment because my boyfriend believes it’ll go away, and ill get better soon i just need to work out my hand. “It’s atrophied because you let it get that way, you need to lift weights.” When i mention getting an MRI, he groans.”I wish you wouldn’t spend all this money on doctors you don’t need.”
Ive started standing up for myself even though it always backfires.
I called my mother to go over my job training. Hadnt spoken to her since Thanksgiving. I waited for her to ask me about my arm, she never did. I squeezed the new information to her and she brushed it off, “You’ll heal in a few months -” she said it worse than a robot, because A.I. can act concerned or worrisome. she gave up on me a long time ago. poor mom can only love me like a robot can.
I know this is very personal. Im so lucky to be my second week back at work. Celebrated yesterday with Ana, got some hot cocoa and i watched the pouring rain. im still very socially awkward, i dont know what happened to the breezy, bubbly woman I was. i am so lucky for the people who read this blog, i have to fight back tears typing that out.
I meant to make this a happy post. Ops. Let’s celebrate the Top 8 Posts from 2018-2019.
Top 8 Posts
1. Writer’s Workshop/ Keep A Journal – totally bringing this series back, despite the pain i am determined to write
2. A Life In Interior Design – ive been meaning to share more poetry, ive been writing a lot of haikus
3. The Wild Woods – miss these posts sooo much on the blog, they take a lot of time to edit
4. Crystal Cave Room Decor – the creatore Baily bee had nice things to say about my article
5. My Favorite Romance Troups – i love doing book tags and want to add more book reviews here!!
6. I Needed To Sleep With You – why is this everyone’s favorite poem?
7. Mental Health & Self Care Tips – honest advice
8. Journal With Me – ill be showing more of my projects soon
Return of the Blogger – after almost a month hiatus, Im posting again!
500 WP followers – pretty gang ❤ you guys rock
new poetry shop – now you can wear books and take a poem with you wherever you go!