The full moon was in Cancer, the last full moon of the year. I was deeply affected by Venus in Scorpio, and i’ve seen the astrologers almanac: this last year revealed some unhealthy habits i had harbored (not eating, unmanageable depression) and told me that all my relationships would be tested. I saw right through people Id loved for years, as if the planet Pluto had stepped aside and showed us the shadowy part of ourselves. The people who wanted to be in my life surprised me by showing up. Deeper and deeper i’ve went with my intense emotions. They called it the “Wolf” supermoon and the time has come to focus on our dreams and discover what that means.
As if my spirit knew more than I did, I didn’t sleep and I knew without looking that it was the energy of a full moon, and for the next three days my body lead me outdoors to air under the healing rays of the sun. This is a dark time for me. One hour, two hours, and I was still there with my cat Summer, not still but feeling grounded. The sun filled me with willpower.
I will write again. Even through pain.
I will draw again. Even through pain.
I have been contemplating suicide – I see the hand that deals Death. I had been told my whole life I was a good writer. I won contests every year, I was a semi finalist at 17 for the Florida Review, I can hear my Creative Writing Professor tell me as he spoke to me and another talented writer. He kept putting us in teams, insist we write together because, and these were his words “I’m not trying to blow wind up your skirts, but you are a natural born writer.”
The Echos of my past.
I’ve been contemplating suicide as a way to escape the pain. I’ve had severe, untreated depression for 10 years. I was 17 or 18 then , and now the voices tell the reality of a fallen angel. I couldn’t forget that my favorite English teacher when she sent me a message hoping I would get my life on track, so many people believed in you, and I thought you’d be doing my job about now.
26 and I don’t have a dollar, I’ve actually built my inner rage instead of a future, and I’m looking at the scars. These scars are forever.
A lot of people online have helped me see I am still a good person. These friendships I’ve made have saved my life. It feels like I have a hole inside me, and my friend Anna who I hadn’t seen in over a month, she surprised me. It was the day after the full moon and the stars said there would be unexpected surprises.
My friend Anna, who is actually an angel, kidnapped me and took me to the biggest anime store.
I came home and I felt like my injury has healed. I swore the bruises lightened.
I fell asleep like Cinderella, on a bed of ashes, with my new experiences of the Royal Ball, dreaming of little glass slippers that I might wear again.