Wolf Moon

The full moon was in Cancer, the last full moon of the year. I was deeply affected by Venus in Scorpio, and i’ve seen the astrologers almanac: this last year revealed some unhealthy habits i had harbored (not eating, unmanageable depression) and told me that all my relationships would be tested. I saw right through people Id loved for years, as if the planet Pluto had stepped aside and showed us the shadowy part of ourselves. The people who wanted to be in my life surprised me by showing up. Deeper and deeper i’ve went with my intense emotions. They called it the “Wolf” supermoon and the time has come to focus on our dreams and discover what that means.

As if my spirit knew more than I did, I didn’t sleep and I knew without looking that it was the energy of a full moon, and for the next three days my body lead me outdoors to air under the healing rays of the sun. This is a dark time for me. One hour, two hours, and I was still there with my cat Summer, not still but feeling grounded. The sun filled me with willpower.

I will write again. Even through pain.

I will draw again. Even through pain.

I have been contemplating suicide – I see the hand that deals Death. I had been told my whole life I was a good writer. I won contests every year, I was a semi finalist at 17 for the Florida Review, I can hear my Creative Writing Professor tell me as he spoke to me and another talented writer. He kept putting us in teams, insist we write together because, and these were his words “I’m not trying to blow wind up your skirts, but you are a natural born writer.”

The Echos of my past.

I’ve been contemplating suicide as a way to escape the pain. I’ve had severe, untreated depression for 10 years. I was 17 or 18 then , and now the voices tell the reality of a fallen angel. I couldn’t forget that my favorite English teacher when she sent me a message hoping I would get my life on track, so many people believed in you, and I thought you’d be doing my job about now.

26 and I don’t have a dollar, I’ve actually built my inner rage instead of a future, and I’m looking at the scars. These scars are forever.

A lot of people online have helped me see I am still a good person. These friendships I’ve made have saved my life. It feels like I have a hole inside me, and my friend Anna who I hadn’t seen in over a month, she surprised me. It was the day after the full moon and the stars said there would be unexpected surprises.

My friend Anna, who is actually an angel, kidnapped me and took me to the biggest anime store.

I came home and I felt like my injury has healed. I swore the bruises lightened.

I fell asleep like Cinderella, on a bed of ashes, with my new experiences of the Royal Ball, dreaming of little glass slippers that I might wear again.

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3 comments

  1. ❤ the full moon messes with me, but i went out to watch it rise the other night and it was glorious & i felt calm instead of my usual turmoil. i didn't know that about dreams–though my dreams have been going crazy the past few nights.
    .
    i was a promising writer.
    first published when i was 13. also a promising artist. but…life got in the way. i guess i had a different path to travel & was fond of going the wrong way and being with people who sent me in bad directions.

    but now i am 48 and ready to follow through. sometimes i wonder what would have happened if i had stayed diligent to my writing/art path, but mostly i am excited about being back on it.

    just randomly sharing stuff with you ❤ i don't know your pain–just my own–but i think being born to write is one of the best ways to be. we can make worlds!

    i hope you are healing in every way possible

    Liked by 1 person

    • this made me feel so not alone – ” was fond of going the wrong way and being with people who sent me in bad directions. ” i have spent over a decade doing this. i can’t imagine what pain youve had to tread, pain is such a long journey.
      you just reminded me of these lyrics in “Bandito” from Twenty One Pilots:

      “I created this world
      To feel some control
      Destroy it if I want”

      thank you so much for offering your wisdom on words and your healing vibrations.
      i am amazed at what the human spirit does to survive. its time we own our powers. thank you Moon sister.

      Liked by 1 person

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